Know Thyself Part II - Egospection

I bought a book today, The Pocket Muse by Monica Wood. It's a writer's aid meant to inspire and prompt thought and writing. The following prompt comes from this book

Write about someone who is pretending to be someone or something that he is not.
We're all pretending to be someone or something that we're not.
It's an inevitable part of life.
Why? I don't know. Is it because we are spirits inhabiting bodies which constrict the expression of our being? I don't think so. Is it because we're all afraid? Surely there's a way out if that's the case. But there's not. The fact is, we all pretend. Life is one give and take, being one person in one situation and another in the next.
So, to respond to the prompt, I am pretending to be someone or something that I'm not and it's killing me inside.
What I am not (but pretend that I am):

• I am not always right. I make mistakes often. I cut corners, give in to laziness and apathy, cower from confrontation, make wild guesses and act impulsively all too often. This often results in a loss of time, money and resources
  
• I am not in charge. I have to make a concerted effort in order to make decisions, act upon them and enforce those decisions. Whether it's something that doesn't matter to me, something I fear being judged on or something that might result in confrontation, I avoid most meaningful decision-making
  
• I do not live by a clear ethical code. I've allowed myself to be dragged into a feeling that “standing on principle” is a futile practice, resulting only in wasted time and inconvenience for all. I've been led to distrust the “slippery slope.” Unfortunately, both cliches hold true. A person must hold fast to his ethical standards and run every action through an ethical filter. The slippery slope, while overused, does indeed apply to the topic of ethical action. As such, one must remain vigilant and unwavering in standards and ethical rule. I, all too often, don't. I justify unethical behavior with phrases such as “everyone else does it” or “it doesn't hurt anyone” or “I'm entitled to it”. In fact, I live, especially at work, by very low ethical standards. I must change this
  
• I am not terribly responsible. While I've improved over recent months, I've still fallen horribly short in remaining regularly responsible with regards to my work. I continue to view my job as the primary responsibility while allowing studies and writing to slip through the cracks of relaxation and recreation. I often lack the discipline and self-motivation to pick up that book, no matter how boring it's gotten. I lack the discipline to diligently create, think and imagine throughout the hours of my days. I have a hard time overcoming the feelings and emotions of the now for the sake of the commitment and responsibilities of the broader, long-term.
  
• I am not caring. I do like to be there for people, but I have a tough time being sympathetic in many situations. It comes down to this: If I cannot empathize, then I do not sympathize. That is to say that if I don't identify with the trouble a person is having, I do not feel sorry for them, I do not feel as if I should help them. In some ways this is good, but in other ways it makes me an insincere, hypocritical jerk.
  
• I am not as brilliant as I often like to think that I am. I'm a pretty smart cookie, but I often let it get to my head and proclaim myself chairman of the mensa elite. I am not that smart, and deep inside I know it (or I'd actually get tested). My ideas and methods are not as revolutionary and wonderful as I often proclaim them to be (if only to myself).
  
• I am not humble. Just because I often dodge praise or do good deeds/works quietly does not indicate that I am not seeking praise. In fact, I thrive on it. The self-righteous half of me wants to claim that I know my weakness to praise and therefore avoid it. But the truth is that, in my experience, praise offered when not outwardly sought is far more gratifying than praise obligingly given to a boisterous achiever. So, by quietly performing good acts, I know that inside, I'm hoping that I will be noticed and praised. That is all too often my motivation, no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise.
• I am not done with this list, but. . . I am very tired and going to bed.

Love,

the Revolution

Who are you? Who who who who

The Following is my "Personal History" essay as submitted to Asbury Theological Seminary. Some of it's been written on in previous posts, some of it hasn't. Hope y'all get to know me a little better.
But first, some notes:
First and foremost, let me make clear that my father is not the villain he ends up being in this word-limited essay. I could write another 1250 words on how he's since shown me the meaning of words such as forgiving, patient, redemption, priority, man of God, etc.
Second, I haven't yet submitted this, so any comments or suggestions would be sooo helpful. Thanks,
The Rev.


“I want to love with much more abandon and stop waiting for others to love me first. I want to hurl myself into a creative work worthy of God.”
-John Eldredge, Wild at Heart
Having read these words, I stopped, folded the book closed, turned my thoughts toward God and prayed that he might give me the strength I needed – the strength to step forward into the unknown, the strength to make the hard decisions, the strength to quit making excuses, the strength to trust in His provision. I pray for the strength to do what he asks me to do.
For the past six months, I've been fighting, scratching, clawing at God to find exactly what it means to be a man. At the age of twenty-four, married and having recently bought our first home, I've come to realize that there are facets of my life, both current and past that have not been addressed, have not been handled appropriately. I hadn't faced the implications for my life that my father's actions and decisions have had. I hadn't faced the way in which I dealt (or didn't deal) with those imprints of my father's life upon my own. I hadn't addressed my use of time, my priorities or my personal responsibility and self-discipline. I've asked God to show me manhood. To bring Godly men into my life who can shepherd me into manhood. Most importantly, I was shown God's love for me.
A few months ago, my Dad and I began planning a trip. It was nothing big; just a quick reunion in St. Louis, Missouri for an extended weekend. We agreed to check schedules and ended the call with the agreement that he would call back the next week. He called me six weeks later. I shook it off as I have many times before, forgiving and trying to understand that we're all trying to get over that whole 'fall of man' thing. Then the realization came one evening while I was asking God to show me those things, as mentioned above, that I hadn't addressed in my life. In a quick progression of thought, I realized that all of my behavior, all of my spiritual progress, all of the approaches to Christianity that I had taken (and there have been several) were based in one wholly irrational, deeply subconscious decision that I had made.
I had been accusing God of being like my earthly Father.
For eight years, I had been infinitely afraid that God would not call me. I had been afraid that God would not be proud of me. I had been afraid that God would try to impress me with how he's better than me. As a result of that fear, I did everything I could to make Him proud. . . to be accepted as a “good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21)
Let me be clear, this was not an issue of “faith alone” or some pharisitical obsession with earning heaven by my deeds. No, this was an honest faith journey. I desired – and still desire – to find the unblemished face of God. It's just that my motivation, the way in which I brought my walk to fruition was driven by this need for acceptance. My devotion was built upon the foundation of the fear that God would mistreat me like so many men – themselves, victims of the world – have lied to me, abandoned me and failed to love me truly.
But now, with the help and love of Godly men, I have learned to allow God to love me unconditionally. I have learned to allow myself to accept Him and to let Him be perfect. Most importantly, I have learned that I have to do no more than live to make him proud, to earn his love.
In that moment described above, having read the words of John Eldredge, I came to a realization as clear as any mountain stream. In that moment, I knew. . . I knew that I knew. . . that the boy had been left behind and the man was emerging, forging forward into the wilderness. Most men can point to salvation or re-birth as the turning point in their lives. For me however, I believe that time will prove this moment as the most significant in my life. The moment when the man's primal desire for purpose, for “fill[ing] the Earth and subdu[ing] it,”(Genesis 1:28) full of the freedom and power of God's love overtook the boys desire for comfort, acceptance and worldly success. Though, in my mind, this step was taken in an instant, it's been a long journey to get here.
In High School, I found meaning and identity in my musical talent. I played the trombone, showed early promise and thus found myself highly involved in band throughout my middle and secondary education. Add to that every teenager's interest in rock and roll and fame and I found myself joining a Christian rock band at the age of sixteen. What was several guys having fun eventually grew into a serious, and occasionally profoundly effective ministry. Between 2000 and 2005, we criss-crossed the Midwest, developed mission statements, conducted bible studies, prayed, played and introduced a number of young people to the freedom and peace of Jesus. While I no doubt enjoyed the fun and fame, those years were years of great spiritual growth for me. I found a religion that made more sense than my mother's and learned that that was okay. I learned the nature of salvation when I promised God my life. I learned the value of perseverance, hard work, practice and most potently, the importance of trust, friendship, accountability, good counsel and the dangers of blindly offering or knowingly ignoring these.
Following the termination of this ministry (and concurrent completion of full-time undergraduate studies), I made good on my promise to God to study His word and truth as fully as possible. I dove into the task of peeling away layer after layer of dogma, inherrited doctrine, mistruth and misapplication of truth so that I might discover the essence of God and his relationship to me. On my own, I studied theology and thought from the Early Church Fathers, Augustine, catholic scholars of old and Thomas Aquinas to Protestant thinkers and the Emergent blogosphere. All that I found was that I couldn't understand God. He's that good. So, I delved into the history of religion. If I can't understand God, perhaps I can understand man's relationship to Him. I studied the philosophies of Socrates, Aristotle and Plato, Descarte, Kant, Nietzsche and other Christian philosophers, among them my favorite, Michel Henri. I studied anthropological and mythological writers such as Joseph Campbell and Jonathan Z. Smith as well as the religions of the world, the way in which men have manifested God throughout the millenia of civilization. Through all of this, I developed a strong and definite sense of God, myself, my family, mankind, the world at large and the varied and complex relationships that tie all of it together.
But until recently, it didn't matter. I was unable to live it. It is only with great certainty, faith and confidence in God's development of me to the point of becoming a man of God and his commission that I explore, create of and pursue his glory in my life that I now move forward to apply for admission to the Master of Arts program at Asbury Theological Seminary.

Happy birthday America!

"We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States"

In the mess and confusion of politics, world events, anti-war protests and made-in-china-junkstores (Walmart), I often tend to forget what it's all about. Inalienable rights of man. What a serious statement that man, as a creation of God, has rights that are inseperable from him. Among them, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

It's not about a great country, democracy or the world's peacekeeper.

It's about the rights of each individual soul. Thomas Jefferson wins.

The use of the word "ought" above has always penetrated deep into my heart. Jefferson uses "are" to declare the position. But, he doesn't stop there. He uses "ought to be." Regardless of any war's outcome, it cannot be taken away from us that we ought to be free. It is what is right, what is divine, etc. Jefferson wins again.

I don't really have much else to share tonight, I just noticed that I needed to put something up this week and this has been on my mind today.

I've been reading The Last Oracle by James Rollins. Rollins often finds strange but true scientific phenomena and meshes them with historical, cultural, mythical or religious phenomena to create cohesive stories. . . conspiracies, etc. This book addresses the abilities of autistic savants. It touches on (as Rollins has done previously) the genetic experimentation of the Nazis and then moves on into communist Russia for the development of the plot. Some crazy stuff, and, as Rollins says, the truth is more often than not, stranger than fiction.

I'm also finishing up Wild at Heart, a book I've written on previously. By now, Eldredge is just kind of wrapping things up, putting in the obligatory call to action and boring me to death. I would like to review the first few chapters though, as I think my perspective has shifted considerably as a result of reading it the first time. This book has truly helped me grow. As a side note to that, God's timing is impecable. Just as I'm reading this book, considering this wisdom, applying it to my life, searching my soul, the one man in my life who has taught me the meaning of manhood, who has consciously passed on manhood (as Eldredge calls it, initiation), dies. I hate making claims like this, but it feels like a true turning point in my life. The shift from boy to man is completing. I yearn to fight the fight before me.

Love,

The Revolution