Who are you? Who who who who

The Following is my "Personal History" essay as submitted to Asbury Theological Seminary. Some of it's been written on in previous posts, some of it hasn't. Hope y'all get to know me a little better.
But first, some notes:
First and foremost, let me make clear that my father is not the villain he ends up being in this word-limited essay. I could write another 1250 words on how he's since shown me the meaning of words such as forgiving, patient, redemption, priority, man of God, etc.
Second, I haven't yet submitted this, so any comments or suggestions would be sooo helpful. Thanks,
The Rev.


“I want to love with much more abandon and stop waiting for others to love me first. I want to hurl myself into a creative work worthy of God.”
-John Eldredge, Wild at Heart
Having read these words, I stopped, folded the book closed, turned my thoughts toward God and prayed that he might give me the strength I needed – the strength to step forward into the unknown, the strength to make the hard decisions, the strength to quit making excuses, the strength to trust in His provision. I pray for the strength to do what he asks me to do.
For the past six months, I've been fighting, scratching, clawing at God to find exactly what it means to be a man. At the age of twenty-four, married and having recently bought our first home, I've come to realize that there are facets of my life, both current and past that have not been addressed, have not been handled appropriately. I hadn't faced the implications for my life that my father's actions and decisions have had. I hadn't faced the way in which I dealt (or didn't deal) with those imprints of my father's life upon my own. I hadn't addressed my use of time, my priorities or my personal responsibility and self-discipline. I've asked God to show me manhood. To bring Godly men into my life who can shepherd me into manhood. Most importantly, I was shown God's love for me.
A few months ago, my Dad and I began planning a trip. It was nothing big; just a quick reunion in St. Louis, Missouri for an extended weekend. We agreed to check schedules and ended the call with the agreement that he would call back the next week. He called me six weeks later. I shook it off as I have many times before, forgiving and trying to understand that we're all trying to get over that whole 'fall of man' thing. Then the realization came one evening while I was asking God to show me those things, as mentioned above, that I hadn't addressed in my life. In a quick progression of thought, I realized that all of my behavior, all of my spiritual progress, all of the approaches to Christianity that I had taken (and there have been several) were based in one wholly irrational, deeply subconscious decision that I had made.
I had been accusing God of being like my earthly Father.
For eight years, I had been infinitely afraid that God would not call me. I had been afraid that God would not be proud of me. I had been afraid that God would try to impress me with how he's better than me. As a result of that fear, I did everything I could to make Him proud. . . to be accepted as a “good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21)
Let me be clear, this was not an issue of “faith alone” or some pharisitical obsession with earning heaven by my deeds. No, this was an honest faith journey. I desired – and still desire – to find the unblemished face of God. It's just that my motivation, the way in which I brought my walk to fruition was driven by this need for acceptance. My devotion was built upon the foundation of the fear that God would mistreat me like so many men – themselves, victims of the world – have lied to me, abandoned me and failed to love me truly.
But now, with the help and love of Godly men, I have learned to allow God to love me unconditionally. I have learned to allow myself to accept Him and to let Him be perfect. Most importantly, I have learned that I have to do no more than live to make him proud, to earn his love.
In that moment described above, having read the words of John Eldredge, I came to a realization as clear as any mountain stream. In that moment, I knew. . . I knew that I knew. . . that the boy had been left behind and the man was emerging, forging forward into the wilderness. Most men can point to salvation or re-birth as the turning point in their lives. For me however, I believe that time will prove this moment as the most significant in my life. The moment when the man's primal desire for purpose, for “fill[ing] the Earth and subdu[ing] it,”(Genesis 1:28) full of the freedom and power of God's love overtook the boys desire for comfort, acceptance and worldly success. Though, in my mind, this step was taken in an instant, it's been a long journey to get here.
In High School, I found meaning and identity in my musical talent. I played the trombone, showed early promise and thus found myself highly involved in band throughout my middle and secondary education. Add to that every teenager's interest in rock and roll and fame and I found myself joining a Christian rock band at the age of sixteen. What was several guys having fun eventually grew into a serious, and occasionally profoundly effective ministry. Between 2000 and 2005, we criss-crossed the Midwest, developed mission statements, conducted bible studies, prayed, played and introduced a number of young people to the freedom and peace of Jesus. While I no doubt enjoyed the fun and fame, those years were years of great spiritual growth for me. I found a religion that made more sense than my mother's and learned that that was okay. I learned the nature of salvation when I promised God my life. I learned the value of perseverance, hard work, practice and most potently, the importance of trust, friendship, accountability, good counsel and the dangers of blindly offering or knowingly ignoring these.
Following the termination of this ministry (and concurrent completion of full-time undergraduate studies), I made good on my promise to God to study His word and truth as fully as possible. I dove into the task of peeling away layer after layer of dogma, inherrited doctrine, mistruth and misapplication of truth so that I might discover the essence of God and his relationship to me. On my own, I studied theology and thought from the Early Church Fathers, Augustine, catholic scholars of old and Thomas Aquinas to Protestant thinkers and the Emergent blogosphere. All that I found was that I couldn't understand God. He's that good. So, I delved into the history of religion. If I can't understand God, perhaps I can understand man's relationship to Him. I studied the philosophies of Socrates, Aristotle and Plato, Descarte, Kant, Nietzsche and other Christian philosophers, among them my favorite, Michel Henri. I studied anthropological and mythological writers such as Joseph Campbell and Jonathan Z. Smith as well as the religions of the world, the way in which men have manifested God throughout the millenia of civilization. Through all of this, I developed a strong and definite sense of God, myself, my family, mankind, the world at large and the varied and complex relationships that tie all of it together.
But until recently, it didn't matter. I was unable to live it. It is only with great certainty, faith and confidence in God's development of me to the point of becoming a man of God and his commission that I explore, create of and pursue his glory in my life that I now move forward to apply for admission to the Master of Arts program at Asbury Theological Seminary.

Maybe we could all learn something at Delphi

γνῶθι σεαυτόν
"Know Thyself"

The first words of advice given to any person entering the temple of the oracle at Delphi.
Before any true growth may take place, before any purpose can be fulfilled, before anyone may be taken seriously, one must know himself.

Certainly an even greater, more potent division than saved-unsaved or Kingdom of God v. Kingdom of Man, the separation between those who have truly and clearly faced themselves, with all wounds and deficiencies in tow, and those who have not ventured into the depths of the soul, with it's many and storied aspects, defines two very different approaches to life and two very different outcomes.

I have determined that it is the difference between those that I will trust and those that I will not. In the words of John Eldredge, "I don't trust a man who hasn't suffered; I don't let a man get close to me who hasn't faced his wound."

Those who find it sufficient to see thier wounds. . . see their deep, ingrained troubles. . . those that were probably given to them, a prize of heritage. . . and turn around as if they might be buried in a grave next to those inevitably abandoned hopes and experiences of bygone days, are cowards. They will never affect this world positively.
My Grandfather did this. He was a good man, a Methodist minister. He did countless good for his communities, his region, the poor and destitute, etc. To my knowledge, he never faced his wounds. He never faced his father. I cannot accept that all of the good he did in service balances out the 7 divorces, 7 affairs that he and his children went through. I cannot say, with full belief, that he affected this world positively.

I don't want to be like that.

I want to go more into the soul. What makes me who I am? Is it my fault? Does it matter? Aaron's opinoin: Whether nature or nurture, we are who we are because of other people. We are given freewill and may adapt, change, reposition, but who we are, the issues we deal with, is a result of other people's actions, personalities, genes, etc.

The only fault of mine would be to be that coward who turns around at the site of such overwhelming baggage. (why is it overwhelming? Because it was created by the multitudes and burdens only one man. . . )

Aaron's opinoin: There are those who do see their problems and understand them implicitly, yet find meaning in the blame. "If it is not my fault, I do not have to worry about it." WRONG. We must carry our baggage, there is no escape. The blame doesn't matter. The baggage does.

I have heard far too many sermons preaching that Jesus will take your baggage and your burdens and lighten the load. THAT'S NONSENSE!!!!! Jesus never, EVER promised to make your problems disappear. IF HE DID, HE WAS WRONG. Guilt, maybe. Temptation and sin, maybe. Worry and discouragement, maybe. Self-esteem problems, maybe. . . for now. Your deep-seeded wounds and baggage. . . the kind of stuff that affects your personality and every action. . . NO. The baggage matters, THE WOUNDS MATTER!!

In closing, deal with your shit or leave me alone (excuse the french.) I don't ask that everyone be perfectly healed and on their way, but only that we all be in the process of discovering, addressing, healing or making use of our wounds.


Love,
The Mother F'n Revolution

Idolotrous heresy

Originally Posted 07/14/07 - http://www.myspace.com/iheartdennycraine

If you take a look at my friends, you'll see one named "Jesus". If you go to that page and examine Jesus's blog, you'll find an issue that I don't often devote enough thought to. Idolotry. Now, I don't want to get to preaching on my soap box or anything, but here's the thing....if I wear a cross or adorn myself with a cross, I expect to be judged. The cross, as a symbol, has become associated with all things Christian. Unfortunately, among many people I would encounter, these things would be viewed in a very negative light. There is a serious problem with this. By identifying myself as a Christian, it should not be assumed that I subscribe to the malicious and exclusive b.s. that the cross has come to symbolize. So, what am I getting at? I'm trying to say that this symbol, this idol, is the root of this judgement. Without it, people are left to judge me by my actions/words/myspace profile. Further, I find a profound beauty in the rigid devotion of the islaamic religion to restrict graven or pictoral images representing God. Granted that they perhaps go a little too far, but such restrictions clearly foster a profound sense of the superiority and omnipotence of God. All reason that I can access and even the bible point directly to the fact that man-made images scar the face of God.Of course, this post is a further example of my hypocrisy as I clearly have a picture of "Jesus" as my profile pic. But I think it's funny, so it's okay. Although, it could be argued that since Jesus is destroying the cross, this image, in fact, is a portrayal of my argument here. Which is both ironic and hypocritical...so I'll burn. So, in summation: Restricting God (or religion) to a man-made idol, image, symbol or doctrine is just that....a restriction of all that God (or religion) should be in both the individual's life and that of the civilization.