Who are you? Who who who who

The Following is my "Personal History" essay as submitted to Asbury Theological Seminary. Some of it's been written on in previous posts, some of it hasn't. Hope y'all get to know me a little better.
But first, some notes:
First and foremost, let me make clear that my father is not the villain he ends up being in this word-limited essay. I could write another 1250 words on how he's since shown me the meaning of words such as forgiving, patient, redemption, priority, man of God, etc.
Second, I haven't yet submitted this, so any comments or suggestions would be sooo helpful. Thanks,
The Rev.


“I want to love with much more abandon and stop waiting for others to love me first. I want to hurl myself into a creative work worthy of God.”
-John Eldredge, Wild at Heart
Having read these words, I stopped, folded the book closed, turned my thoughts toward God and prayed that he might give me the strength I needed – the strength to step forward into the unknown, the strength to make the hard decisions, the strength to quit making excuses, the strength to trust in His provision. I pray for the strength to do what he asks me to do.
For the past six months, I've been fighting, scratching, clawing at God to find exactly what it means to be a man. At the age of twenty-four, married and having recently bought our first home, I've come to realize that there are facets of my life, both current and past that have not been addressed, have not been handled appropriately. I hadn't faced the implications for my life that my father's actions and decisions have had. I hadn't faced the way in which I dealt (or didn't deal) with those imprints of my father's life upon my own. I hadn't addressed my use of time, my priorities or my personal responsibility and self-discipline. I've asked God to show me manhood. To bring Godly men into my life who can shepherd me into manhood. Most importantly, I was shown God's love for me.
A few months ago, my Dad and I began planning a trip. It was nothing big; just a quick reunion in St. Louis, Missouri for an extended weekend. We agreed to check schedules and ended the call with the agreement that he would call back the next week. He called me six weeks later. I shook it off as I have many times before, forgiving and trying to understand that we're all trying to get over that whole 'fall of man' thing. Then the realization came one evening while I was asking God to show me those things, as mentioned above, that I hadn't addressed in my life. In a quick progression of thought, I realized that all of my behavior, all of my spiritual progress, all of the approaches to Christianity that I had taken (and there have been several) were based in one wholly irrational, deeply subconscious decision that I had made.
I had been accusing God of being like my earthly Father.
For eight years, I had been infinitely afraid that God would not call me. I had been afraid that God would not be proud of me. I had been afraid that God would try to impress me with how he's better than me. As a result of that fear, I did everything I could to make Him proud. . . to be accepted as a “good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21)
Let me be clear, this was not an issue of “faith alone” or some pharisitical obsession with earning heaven by my deeds. No, this was an honest faith journey. I desired – and still desire – to find the unblemished face of God. It's just that my motivation, the way in which I brought my walk to fruition was driven by this need for acceptance. My devotion was built upon the foundation of the fear that God would mistreat me like so many men – themselves, victims of the world – have lied to me, abandoned me and failed to love me truly.
But now, with the help and love of Godly men, I have learned to allow God to love me unconditionally. I have learned to allow myself to accept Him and to let Him be perfect. Most importantly, I have learned that I have to do no more than live to make him proud, to earn his love.
In that moment described above, having read the words of John Eldredge, I came to a realization as clear as any mountain stream. In that moment, I knew. . . I knew that I knew. . . that the boy had been left behind and the man was emerging, forging forward into the wilderness. Most men can point to salvation or re-birth as the turning point in their lives. For me however, I believe that time will prove this moment as the most significant in my life. The moment when the man's primal desire for purpose, for “fill[ing] the Earth and subdu[ing] it,”(Genesis 1:28) full of the freedom and power of God's love overtook the boys desire for comfort, acceptance and worldly success. Though, in my mind, this step was taken in an instant, it's been a long journey to get here.
In High School, I found meaning and identity in my musical talent. I played the trombone, showed early promise and thus found myself highly involved in band throughout my middle and secondary education. Add to that every teenager's interest in rock and roll and fame and I found myself joining a Christian rock band at the age of sixteen. What was several guys having fun eventually grew into a serious, and occasionally profoundly effective ministry. Between 2000 and 2005, we criss-crossed the Midwest, developed mission statements, conducted bible studies, prayed, played and introduced a number of young people to the freedom and peace of Jesus. While I no doubt enjoyed the fun and fame, those years were years of great spiritual growth for me. I found a religion that made more sense than my mother's and learned that that was okay. I learned the nature of salvation when I promised God my life. I learned the value of perseverance, hard work, practice and most potently, the importance of trust, friendship, accountability, good counsel and the dangers of blindly offering or knowingly ignoring these.
Following the termination of this ministry (and concurrent completion of full-time undergraduate studies), I made good on my promise to God to study His word and truth as fully as possible. I dove into the task of peeling away layer after layer of dogma, inherrited doctrine, mistruth and misapplication of truth so that I might discover the essence of God and his relationship to me. On my own, I studied theology and thought from the Early Church Fathers, Augustine, catholic scholars of old and Thomas Aquinas to Protestant thinkers and the Emergent blogosphere. All that I found was that I couldn't understand God. He's that good. So, I delved into the history of religion. If I can't understand God, perhaps I can understand man's relationship to Him. I studied the philosophies of Socrates, Aristotle and Plato, Descarte, Kant, Nietzsche and other Christian philosophers, among them my favorite, Michel Henri. I studied anthropological and mythological writers such as Joseph Campbell and Jonathan Z. Smith as well as the religions of the world, the way in which men have manifested God throughout the millenia of civilization. Through all of this, I developed a strong and definite sense of God, myself, my family, mankind, the world at large and the varied and complex relationships that tie all of it together.
But until recently, it didn't matter. I was unable to live it. It is only with great certainty, faith and confidence in God's development of me to the point of becoming a man of God and his commission that I explore, create of and pursue his glory in my life that I now move forward to apply for admission to the Master of Arts program at Asbury Theological Seminary.