Know Thyself Part II - Egospection

I bought a book today, The Pocket Muse by Monica Wood. It's a writer's aid meant to inspire and prompt thought and writing. The following prompt comes from this book

Write about someone who is pretending to be someone or something that he is not.
We're all pretending to be someone or something that we're not.
It's an inevitable part of life.
Why? I don't know. Is it because we are spirits inhabiting bodies which constrict the expression of our being? I don't think so. Is it because we're all afraid? Surely there's a way out if that's the case. But there's not. The fact is, we all pretend. Life is one give and take, being one person in one situation and another in the next.
So, to respond to the prompt, I am pretending to be someone or something that I'm not and it's killing me inside.
What I am not (but pretend that I am):

• I am not always right. I make mistakes often. I cut corners, give in to laziness and apathy, cower from confrontation, make wild guesses and act impulsively all too often. This often results in a loss of time, money and resources
  
• I am not in charge. I have to make a concerted effort in order to make decisions, act upon them and enforce those decisions. Whether it's something that doesn't matter to me, something I fear being judged on or something that might result in confrontation, I avoid most meaningful decision-making
  
• I do not live by a clear ethical code. I've allowed myself to be dragged into a feeling that “standing on principle” is a futile practice, resulting only in wasted time and inconvenience for all. I've been led to distrust the “slippery slope.” Unfortunately, both cliches hold true. A person must hold fast to his ethical standards and run every action through an ethical filter. The slippery slope, while overused, does indeed apply to the topic of ethical action. As such, one must remain vigilant and unwavering in standards and ethical rule. I, all too often, don't. I justify unethical behavior with phrases such as “everyone else does it” or “it doesn't hurt anyone” or “I'm entitled to it”. In fact, I live, especially at work, by very low ethical standards. I must change this
  
• I am not terribly responsible. While I've improved over recent months, I've still fallen horribly short in remaining regularly responsible with regards to my work. I continue to view my job as the primary responsibility while allowing studies and writing to slip through the cracks of relaxation and recreation. I often lack the discipline and self-motivation to pick up that book, no matter how boring it's gotten. I lack the discipline to diligently create, think and imagine throughout the hours of my days. I have a hard time overcoming the feelings and emotions of the now for the sake of the commitment and responsibilities of the broader, long-term.
  
• I am not caring. I do like to be there for people, but I have a tough time being sympathetic in many situations. It comes down to this: If I cannot empathize, then I do not sympathize. That is to say that if I don't identify with the trouble a person is having, I do not feel sorry for them, I do not feel as if I should help them. In some ways this is good, but in other ways it makes me an insincere, hypocritical jerk.
  
• I am not as brilliant as I often like to think that I am. I'm a pretty smart cookie, but I often let it get to my head and proclaim myself chairman of the mensa elite. I am not that smart, and deep inside I know it (or I'd actually get tested). My ideas and methods are not as revolutionary and wonderful as I often proclaim them to be (if only to myself).
  
• I am not humble. Just because I often dodge praise or do good deeds/works quietly does not indicate that I am not seeking praise. In fact, I thrive on it. The self-righteous half of me wants to claim that I know my weakness to praise and therefore avoid it. But the truth is that, in my experience, praise offered when not outwardly sought is far more gratifying than praise obligingly given to a boisterous achiever. So, by quietly performing good acts, I know that inside, I'm hoping that I will be noticed and praised. That is all too often my motivation, no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise.
• I am not done with this list, but. . . I am very tired and going to bed.

Love,

the Revolution