Know Thyself Part II - Egospection

I bought a book today, The Pocket Muse by Monica Wood. It's a writer's aid meant to inspire and prompt thought and writing. The following prompt comes from this book

Write about someone who is pretending to be someone or something that he is not.
We're all pretending to be someone or something that we're not.
It's an inevitable part of life.
Why? I don't know. Is it because we are spirits inhabiting bodies which constrict the expression of our being? I don't think so. Is it because we're all afraid? Surely there's a way out if that's the case. But there's not. The fact is, we all pretend. Life is one give and take, being one person in one situation and another in the next.
So, to respond to the prompt, I am pretending to be someone or something that I'm not and it's killing me inside.
What I am not (but pretend that I am):

• I am not always right. I make mistakes often. I cut corners, give in to laziness and apathy, cower from confrontation, make wild guesses and act impulsively all too often. This often results in a loss of time, money and resources
  
• I am not in charge. I have to make a concerted effort in order to make decisions, act upon them and enforce those decisions. Whether it's something that doesn't matter to me, something I fear being judged on or something that might result in confrontation, I avoid most meaningful decision-making
  
• I do not live by a clear ethical code. I've allowed myself to be dragged into a feeling that “standing on principle” is a futile practice, resulting only in wasted time and inconvenience for all. I've been led to distrust the “slippery slope.” Unfortunately, both cliches hold true. A person must hold fast to his ethical standards and run every action through an ethical filter. The slippery slope, while overused, does indeed apply to the topic of ethical action. As such, one must remain vigilant and unwavering in standards and ethical rule. I, all too often, don't. I justify unethical behavior with phrases such as “everyone else does it” or “it doesn't hurt anyone” or “I'm entitled to it”. In fact, I live, especially at work, by very low ethical standards. I must change this
  
• I am not terribly responsible. While I've improved over recent months, I've still fallen horribly short in remaining regularly responsible with regards to my work. I continue to view my job as the primary responsibility while allowing studies and writing to slip through the cracks of relaxation and recreation. I often lack the discipline and self-motivation to pick up that book, no matter how boring it's gotten. I lack the discipline to diligently create, think and imagine throughout the hours of my days. I have a hard time overcoming the feelings and emotions of the now for the sake of the commitment and responsibilities of the broader, long-term.
  
• I am not caring. I do like to be there for people, but I have a tough time being sympathetic in many situations. It comes down to this: If I cannot empathize, then I do not sympathize. That is to say that if I don't identify with the trouble a person is having, I do not feel sorry for them, I do not feel as if I should help them. In some ways this is good, but in other ways it makes me an insincere, hypocritical jerk.
  
• I am not as brilliant as I often like to think that I am. I'm a pretty smart cookie, but I often let it get to my head and proclaim myself chairman of the mensa elite. I am not that smart, and deep inside I know it (or I'd actually get tested). My ideas and methods are not as revolutionary and wonderful as I often proclaim them to be (if only to myself).
  
• I am not humble. Just because I often dodge praise or do good deeds/works quietly does not indicate that I am not seeking praise. In fact, I thrive on it. The self-righteous half of me wants to claim that I know my weakness to praise and therefore avoid it. But the truth is that, in my experience, praise offered when not outwardly sought is far more gratifying than praise obligingly given to a boisterous achiever. So, by quietly performing good acts, I know that inside, I'm hoping that I will be noticed and praised. That is all too often my motivation, no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise.
• I am not done with this list, but. . . I am very tired and going to bed.

Love,

the Revolution

Maybe we could all learn something at Delphi

γνῶθι σεαυτόν
"Know Thyself"

The first words of advice given to any person entering the temple of the oracle at Delphi.
Before any true growth may take place, before any purpose can be fulfilled, before anyone may be taken seriously, one must know himself.

Certainly an even greater, more potent division than saved-unsaved or Kingdom of God v. Kingdom of Man, the separation between those who have truly and clearly faced themselves, with all wounds and deficiencies in tow, and those who have not ventured into the depths of the soul, with it's many and storied aspects, defines two very different approaches to life and two very different outcomes.

I have determined that it is the difference between those that I will trust and those that I will not. In the words of John Eldredge, "I don't trust a man who hasn't suffered; I don't let a man get close to me who hasn't faced his wound."

Those who find it sufficient to see thier wounds. . . see their deep, ingrained troubles. . . those that were probably given to them, a prize of heritage. . . and turn around as if they might be buried in a grave next to those inevitably abandoned hopes and experiences of bygone days, are cowards. They will never affect this world positively.
My Grandfather did this. He was a good man, a Methodist minister. He did countless good for his communities, his region, the poor and destitute, etc. To my knowledge, he never faced his wounds. He never faced his father. I cannot accept that all of the good he did in service balances out the 7 divorces, 7 affairs that he and his children went through. I cannot say, with full belief, that he affected this world positively.

I don't want to be like that.

I want to go more into the soul. What makes me who I am? Is it my fault? Does it matter? Aaron's opinoin: Whether nature or nurture, we are who we are because of other people. We are given freewill and may adapt, change, reposition, but who we are, the issues we deal with, is a result of other people's actions, personalities, genes, etc.

The only fault of mine would be to be that coward who turns around at the site of such overwhelming baggage. (why is it overwhelming? Because it was created by the multitudes and burdens only one man. . . )

Aaron's opinoin: There are those who do see their problems and understand them implicitly, yet find meaning in the blame. "If it is not my fault, I do not have to worry about it." WRONG. We must carry our baggage, there is no escape. The blame doesn't matter. The baggage does.

I have heard far too many sermons preaching that Jesus will take your baggage and your burdens and lighten the load. THAT'S NONSENSE!!!!! Jesus never, EVER promised to make your problems disappear. IF HE DID, HE WAS WRONG. Guilt, maybe. Temptation and sin, maybe. Worry and discouragement, maybe. Self-esteem problems, maybe. . . for now. Your deep-seeded wounds and baggage. . . the kind of stuff that affects your personality and every action. . . NO. The baggage matters, THE WOUNDS MATTER!!

In closing, deal with your shit or leave me alone (excuse the french.) I don't ask that everyone be perfectly healed and on their way, but only that we all be in the process of discovering, addressing, healing or making use of our wounds.


Love,
The Mother F'n Revolution

Avid Blogging - A Not So New Year's Revolution. . . I Mean Resolution

Originally posted 03/06/08 - http://www.myspace.com/iheartdennycraine

I hate that it is this way, but my life so frequently ebbs and flows with the coming and going of seasons. For this reason, I hate winter. In the months of January and February, it seems like everyone around me (and myself) gets so cranky. This makes for bad Aarons. Good news, though. . . we're now in the month of March.And with that has come a much freer, happier attitude and general disposition. I'm excited about God and about my life and about the various relationships that I enjoy and will cultivate.Why is it so? Why do we have to live in a constant state of give and take, ebb and flow, ups and downs, mountains and valleys? Why is it always a tug of war between good and evil, productive and lazy?!?!?Religions have fought this by establishing routines. By creating the habit of praying five times a day, Muslims (theoretically) ensure that they will never stray too far. By participating in the daily office (again, theoretically), monks hope to maintain a steady, Godly disposition.Maybe I haven't found the right thing, but this doesn't seem to work for me. Even when I have successfully implemented habit, ritual, routine into my life, I find that my intentions, interpretations and the way in which I engage the routine shift over time. What was a spiritually engaging habbit becomes a duty or requirement. No longer do I seek the presence of God. . . I now do it because to not do it would be blatant ignorance of God. It's an avoidance of negative rather than a pursuit of positive. The benefit goes away. Jews might tell me to continue doing it anyway, that it's not about my benefit. They're probably right, but isn't religion about coping with/overcoming our imperfections rather than expounding them? It would seem that a ritual that ceases to be effective, spiritually, is not being effective within my religion.Here's to learning and experiencing and finding out more about stuff that we would all know if only our education system were more adequate,The Revolution